I have shifted my perception of reality to gravity, rather than time, and that allows wisdom to be seen a little more clearly. I have blossomed from the inside out, a gory death that looked akin to a placid lake to anyone who bothered to look. Nothing. Nothing happened in my external world for six weeks. As I sat and meditated beneath the pine tree. This force of energy behind me brewed, and I continue to supress with marijuana and alcohol, with porn and content. Which is okay, which was okay, because I did not have a direction to go towards, I turned the motor off, I sat in my small vessel and allowed the ocean to dictate my fate, now the northern star shines bright as the clouds above dissipate. I have become three wise men. The triskele that I am. The three main characters, past, present and future. They have been humbled, they lost everything, they tried and failed, and now they look to that star and know it is bigger than them, and together in one direction, they will find the truth along the way. There is a force given to youth by nature, for you to create a garden for your elderly self, to create a space for your offspring to reprieve. This force creates tension, as you play the tightened strings to create a frequency of creation, as the blind inexperienced eyes of ignorance cling to the wrong images, walk your legs down the wrong path, the gift of suffering corrects you, aids you, loves you, if you let wisdom allow. Do not waste it thinking you have to be dull. Do not reach for the mountains with the hermit too early, remember it is a game, play the game well, failure is feedback, do not love winning too much, do not be scared to be someone in fear of them dying. Birth is the leading cause of death, let those youthful legs try, let natures force free, let wisdom teach, let love love, let all that is not for you fall away, let you become you. When the tension soothes itself, sit and watch the trees, now you will understand their patience. Now you will appreciate your garden. Manifestation is receiving the fruits from the trees that line the path you walk on. There are forces around us; our senses protect the logical mind from them and the linear understanding of your fragile psyche respect that. There is free will and he can be the devil. The free will is your ability to choose the scale of what is definitely going to happen. The size of the dragon. It is mastering the four elements. I am fire and wind. I am dangerous. I doused the machine in alcohol to understand the flow of water. The nurturing destruction. I smoked to understand the soil. I buried myself deeply and now I am reborn. This tree with deepened roots grows towards the northern star. Us, three friends, together for the ride.
I digress and venture into the fantastical to understand myself, I apologise. You see, I have learnt that I am writing this for me. That my ignorance and blind spots bleed hope with small spots of wisdom. A man living sincerely. A man trying. A man who knows that the destination is the journey. That to move towards the uncomfortable makes the uncomfortable comfortable. You must break from your bubbles. From routine. Life is a melody, life is rhythm, and you must flow with the forces and learn to dance to songs half written, to play your instrument, to jam with the cosmos. Everyone wants to be able to pick up a guitar and know how to play it, but only the ones who did when they couldn’t can.
I did not ask God for anything, because I knew I would get it, and I did not have the trust in myself to receive. So I asked for nothing, and I sat beneath this pine tree and thanked him for it. I am ready to get my heart broken again now. I said aloud, to the pine tree, to God, I am ready for more. As three black cockatoos flew by me to say okay, I started to see my future. The outer world responded and energy found me again. Anger found me again. Not suffering, thanks to understanding, but an unease in this nothingness, a boredom of the dissection. With patience I observed. It is Saturday the 1st of march, 2025. On Monday I start a job that is full time work for six weeks. This would fill a younger me, a me that was sure he was going to be a successful poet, that his first novel was going to change his life, that his website would have interest. Now as a successful failure I do not fear it, I do not dread it, it is my relationship with gravity that allows calmness. I cannot fear something I cannot see. The future will come, I will be there for it. With nothing I noticed I still walked with the stature of a man with everything. When truly alone I realised that I never was. That the characters within me that broke me to be free, that could not be denied, that got themselves a platform to be heard, they love me, we love us, because I learnt a language they could speak. My back is sore again and I am not perfect. But I watch and I now trust the blossom. I have patience. I have visions. I have faith, an undeniable faith.
This is it, this is what I wanted. This life, this beautiful life.
